a star made of elves. or an elf made of stars

[TW: Transgender suicide, dysphoria]

This was going around Tumblr as part of a larger photoset, but I first saw it on my phone so I thought it was only the one image (full disclosure: I’m not fond of the photoset system at all, especially for accessibility reasons, but that’s another topic). So I wrote this long response and then my phone wouldn’t let me post it. It makes less sense in the context of the photoset, but it’s still a point I want to make so I’m sharing it anyway.

As someone who is transgender and has also been suicidal many, many times, I feel the need to point out that there is a LOT more involved in transgender suicide than just discrimination. It’s not just society that’s working against us; often, it’s our own bodies and our own minds.

I’ve had a lot of comparative advantages and privileges in my transition. I didn’t realize I was trans until most of my birth family had passed away, so I didn’t have to deal with coming out and possibly being rejected or disowned. None of my friends have had any problem with my transition, and most have gone to great lengths to show me they accept and support me. As soon as I began questioning my gender I was able to pick up and move to Boston, and while there’s no easy place to be trans, Boston is one of the best. I live in affordable, trans-friendly housing with people who never misgender me even when I’m walking around shirtless. Overall, I’m lucky, and I know that.

And yet I’ve spent much of my pubescent life, and especially the year since I’ve realized I was trans, fighting off the urge to kill myself. Last month I had to be hospitalized twice within two weeks. I was doing better after being put on antidepressants, but this week I’m barely hanging on again. Because I’m on my period. Discrimination isn’t killing me. Estrogen is.

I don’t want to downplay the role that discrimination and transphobia play in transgender suicide. But I also don’t want people thinking that’s all there is to it. I don’t want people thinking if they just vote in ENDA and give us lots of hugs and tell us to love ourselves, the problem of transgender suicide will just go away. Bullying is a problem, but it’s not the only problem. If we are to survive, we need access to hormones and surgery and trustworthy doctors and therapists. We need insurance to cover our medical procedures so shit like this doesn’t happen. We need people to understand the very fucking real pain of dysphoria, and that sometimes it doesn’t go away even when we’ve changed our bodies as much as we possibly can.

Fighting discrimination will certainly help us get easier access to these things, but I want cis people to understand it’s not just about self-esteem. Getting people to quit being dicks towards us isn’t going to suddenly make it easy to be trans. And if I live to see a day when appropriate, extensive transgender protections have been passed in the United States, I don’t want cis people to be like “hey it’s so easy to be trans now and you’re still killing yourselves, what the fuck is your problem?” I want cis people to understand that being trans is an internal struggle first. It is not an experience that is controlled entirely by what cis people do or don’t do, for us or to us. For many of us, the struggle against suicide is like fighting cancer, it’s a battle against something that is trying to destroy us from the inside. No amount of kindness or good luck will make that go away.